Some More Late Night Humor.

"In what has become standard procedure in these kind of situations, police conducted a room-by-room search of the Capitol building. That's just what congressmen want to hear this week -- a knock at the door and it's the police. They were flushing bribe money down the toilet. Ted Kennedy was out on the ledge naked." --Jay Leno

"Mexican President Vicente Fox is in the United States this week. He said he came here so he could speak directly to the Mexican people one on one. ... In fact, he was in Sacramento yesterday addressing our lawmakers. And out of a force of habit, they gave him a driver's license." --Jay Leno

"Has anybody seen the Al Gore movie about global warming and the environment? Well, the Bush administration has seen it and they are very annoyed about the whole thing. As a matter of fact, earlier today, Dick Cheney shot a projectionist. ... One very dramatic scene in the Al Gore global warming movie is when a glacier melts and they find more Al Gore ballots from the election." --David Letterman

"The President of Mexico, Vicente Fox, is here in the United States for four days. Yea, that's how it starts. Four days, then four weeks and then four months. ... Actually when he arrived, he was greeted in the traditional manner. He was immediately offered a job at Wal-Mart." --Jay Leno

"We are very proud here in California. Highest gas prices in the nation are in San Diego at an average of $3.40 a gallon. This is especially tough on illegal immigrants. Do you know how hard it is to hide in the trunk of a hybrid car?" --Jay Leno

"At the end of last night's 'American Idol,' Ryan Seacrest announced that more than 63 million votes were cast, which is more than any president in U.S. history has ever received. ... In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine." --Conan O'Brien

"I guess Vicente Fox wanted to get here before we tighten the immigration laws. ... Even though President Fox has only been in the United States two days, today the INS said they have no way to find him." --Jay Leno

"As you may have heard, Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson was caught on tape taking a $100,000 bribe and then the FBI found $90,000 in cash in his freezer. Jefferson said he didn't do anything wrong. He said he just fell in with the wrong crowd. You know, other congressmen." --Jay Leno

"Today the FBI searched Ted Kennedy's freezer -- found 90,000 frozen daiquiris." --Jay Leno

"The Federal Trade Commission said today they did not find any signs, no signs that the oil industry illegally manipulated gas prices. They also found no signs of steroid use in baseball, there was no gang activity in Los Angeles and Kenny Rogers had no plastic surgery whatsoever." --Jay Leno

"A New Jersey company has developed an inhaler they say increases sex drive in women. They say it stimulates the brain to make you want to have sex with your partner. It's an inhaler. You know what the means? One day on the campaign trail, Hillary may be able to claim she never inhaled either." --Jay Leno

"You know about this former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy? He's got a new gay memoir. ... I believe it's called the 'Versace Code.'" --David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden ... sent over another one of those videotapes -- chilling, chilling. In the videotape, he boasts that we will never find him or Jimmy Hoffa" --David Letterman

"President Bush met with the prime minister of Israel and the prime minister told Bush that he intends to defend Israel's borders. When he heard this, Bush said, 'You mean you have trouble with Mexicans, too?'" --Conan O'Brien

This is really unified in both parties. House Speaker Dennis Hastert ... has attacked the FBI for raiding the congressman's office, saying it was an abuse of power. Imagine the nerve of the FBI treating members of Congress like they are regular Americans. Can you imagine? If there's anything that people who make the laws hate is being treated like the people who have to follow the laws." --Jay Leno

"Today the Republicans said this raid may have violated protections for congressmen that are spelled out in the Constitution. The Constitution? All of a sudden they found a copy? Where was this when they were spying on our phone calls?" --Jay Leno

"Mexican President Vicente Fox arrived in the U.S. today. So, it's official. He's the last one. Turn out the lights. They are all here now." --Jay Leno

"The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. Today President Bush said this is the 'goodest news' he's heard in a long time." --Jay Leno

"According to a recent poll, 84% of Americans approve of making English the official language. I'd be happy if they made English the official language of 7-11." --Jay Leno

In his new autobiography, former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy ... reveals that he used to cruise highway truck stops looking for gay sex. Say what you want to about the guy. How many candidates are willing to go out there and press the flesh like that? ... We have a copy of his new book right here. It's called, 'My Search for a Mandate.'" --Jay Leno

"This is a shocking statistic. One out of every 136 Americans are currently behind bars. Even more shocking -- one out of every three Kennedys is currently in a bar." --Jay Leno

"Vicente Fox, the president of Mexico, arrived in the United States today for a state visit. Unfortunately, Fox was caught at the border and sent back to Mexico." --Conan O'Brien

"The Federal Trade Commission has ruled that oil companies are not gouging customers. They say, technically, they're screwing customers." --David Letterman

"The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. When asked if they approve of the resolution, 75% of the people in Los Angeles said, 'Si.'" --Jay Leno

"A lot of sleazy politicians in the news today. Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy has written a book where he says ... he used to cruise highway truck stops looking to have sex with gay truckers. How many times have we seen this? Just another government official screwing a consumer at the gas pump." --Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton ... said in her spare time what she likes to do is download iTunes. And, of course, we all know in his spare time, Bill likes to download interns." --David Letterman